To heart.

True to the blog, it was a shitty Monday morning. Nothing too fancy, but it wasn’t a good morning. It turned out fine later in the day, but I also accomplished nothing. This Tuesday morning, I’m aiming to turn the tide.

So a few months ago, I found out I had a heart condition called mitral valve prolapse. It’s not fatal, it’s pretty common, but it’s inconvenient af. It’s developed if bacteria gets in your bloodstream and inevitably reaches your heart. I don’t know how exactly that works, but apparently if you got a bunch of colds and tonsillitis (tonsillitises? tonsillitusi?) when you were younger, it’s a telling symptom of why you have it. I don’t know, man. Don’t ask me. I found out last September, and since then my uncle in the US has been hospitalized for chest pain, and my uncle here in PH due for an operation underwent a stress test and ended up getting admitted for chest pain as well. So long story short, the three of us are living with heart conditions and it is not going well. We’re not exactly the richest people in the country, so we are not at all prepared to have heart conditions. It’s not fun.

I am considerably better than I was a few months ago, but since last weeks bout of no-meds, I have been getting some tight spots in my chest again, and I’m just hoping this shit doesn’t get worse. My family kinda lives by “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” but not out of choice. Like I said, we’re not rich. So everything is just grin-and-bear-it. Okay, enough idioms.

We may not be a rich family, but we are still quite privileged. And it just makes me wonder how people  lower and/or higher than our standard of living live. As much as I want to be a normal 20-year-old that makes cheesy lines about being single, gets silently jealous of all the fancy schmancy rich kids and their nice clothes and cool tech, and takes unironic selfies with her non-existent friends, I’m not. I’ve never been normal, or conventional for that matter. And I’ve never wanted to be. I love myself, and I love my family. I just wish we were a bit more capable. But I guess everyone does.

Now how does one who is unemployed, poor, and sick get her crush to talk to her? Not the damnedest clue. I know, weird segue but it works. I don’t know much about him, social media is both good and bad at that, but he seems to be part of the greener-grass-side of things if you know what I mean. But he’s also clever and funny and ambitious and I really want to get to know him better. I’m not the type to be hindered by gender norms, so of course I’ve initiated conversations. Like 90% of them actually. And no, I don’t buy into the “if he’s into you, he’ll talk to you” idea, simply because that is just overestimating guys. They’re a lot dumber than girls think. Or everyone thinks.

| TOOK A BREAK FROM WRITING AND WATCHED The Fault In Our Stars, WHICH WAS NOT A BAD DECISION, BUT NOW I’M A TINY BIT SADDER |

Where was I? Oh. Guys are dumb. So I like to think he actually does like to talk to me, as he has previously declared. But I have also learned long ago not to hold guys to what they say, because they are usually liars. That’s too harsh. Let’s say… “forgetful”? Yeah. And contrary to the “if he’s into you” statement, I do think that if he meant it, he would make more of an effort to talk. What I have yet to mention is that we’re just a little more than strangers to each other, so what do you even say? How do people befriend other people? And while we’re at it, how do people start dating? Goodness, I’m sorry. That’s enough.

So we’re strangers. And I get it, it’s tough for me to get to know someone faceless, too.

In an effort to not make this a long post, I will declare my point. A lot of things in life are for the privileged and the somewhat privileged. I belong to the latter, but I know I still under-appreciate the things I do have. He is from the former, where I would like to belong but I probably never will (not necessarily because of him, but for privilege). I do not have the privilege of asking out a guy from the greener-grass-side of things because I am crippled physically and financially. I am also awkward and weird and stubborn. And as feminist as I am, I do still want and wait for that guy that will make all the effort, just for me. Because I am also a romantic. God, it was a bad decision to watch TFIOS.

PS: I will probably end up asking him out, should my health and funds get better. So wish me a pot of good luck. Thank you in advance.

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