Time and direction.

Yesterday, I saw a list of Life Goals I saved on my phone a long while ago. It was a nostalgic moment, and reminded me that I did indeed have goals. They sort of jump-started me and I spent some time looking into study-abroad stuff online. Then I was jolted back to reality by the realization that I could not afford it, that they were catered to more privileged kids of the spectrum. It was going to make me sad again, but I let it go. It wasn’t news that there are plenty of things I want to do that I can’t. Not poor and unemployed and sick, anyway. But I was laughing and playing video games that day, and I considered it a win. I hadn’t done that in a while.

I had to wake up at 1:30 am to put my cat back in her kennel. She hadn’t been out for most of the day and I was guilty. I let her play all night in my room, until she cuddled up to me when she got tired. She was purring, probably because it was chilly. I hated having to bring her downstairs. But I also didn’t want her peeing and shitting all over my room. She’s a good cat.

So I had to make myself sleepy again, and in millennial fashion that meant staring at my phone till my eyes were droopy. I’d finished reading my favorite author’s latest book which made me sad/happy. I went back to sleep a little after 3 am, had two alarms for 6 and 7 am that I usually snoozed anyway, but always got up a little after 8 am. Today, my eyes officially opened at 9:34 am which I hadn’t done in a while, too. I didn’t consider it a good thing because I’ve been trying to make a habit of my days, wanting to be as productive as possible mostly because I think it’s been therapeutic for me to make such habits. As positive as I try to make my mornings, I still left my room to encounter poop by my dog, and poop by my cat in her kennel. Please note that this is now around 11 am, and I am in dire need of the bathroom and meds and breakfast, most preferably in that order. But no, my dad’s feeling under the weather and therefore has not had the time to clean anything. My brother, as usual, stayed in his room till late in the morning. It wasn’t a very bad morning, but it wasn’t a very good one either. Just to alleviate my not-so-good-morning, I opted to take a shower, make my coffee-choco, and be more cheerful for dad. He really doesn’t deserve all my bitchiness. And my brother was bitchy enough for both of us today.

And that is how you turn your day around. Rinse, lather, and repeat.

I don’t really know which direction I’ll be taking next. To be fair, I wouldn’t have been able to do this at all a few months ago, so I probably just need to take my time. My uncle with the heart condition here in PH just got an angioplasty, and we are immeasurably grateful. I hope it takes me a while to get a heart operation. I need to be 20 years old first…

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