I was unproductive for most of yesterday, and in the afternoon I was very restless. I remember playing Sims 3, and they would get a “stir crazy” moodlet if they hadn’t left the house in a while. Is this proof that I am a mere Sim? I even had my errands listed on a tweet, just to set it in stone. Alas, Twitter is not an infinite platform. I was supposed to have tea, work on my art, watch some anime, and go through my online course. I did none of that. It’s not the first time I’ve shirked my own milestones btw. It’s one of the things that convince me not to plan anything, because most of the time, it’s the spontaneous stuff that actually work out, and that way, you wouldn’t have stressed yourself out by setting goals you didn’t meet. That’s probably why I felt shitty yesterday afternoon because I hadn’t accomplished anything.
Ironically, I spent the majority of today cleaning up my room. I have the exhaustion to prove it. I dug up my old fancy schmancy dresses, and sadly I’m not as nostalgic as I am frustrated at the lack of storage, so I’m looking to give them away. Anyway, it’s not as if I’ll be wearing them again, and nostalgia is better felt in photographs. No, I’m not coldhearted, it’s just that I’ve kept things out of sentiment before, and they’ve only ended up unused and thrown out. Might as well give them a new home, to someone who might appreciate them better.
Strangely, that prologue has segued quite well into this post’s topic, which is new things. Not necessarily material things, because I’m trying to declutter my life. Part of decluttering is not getting new things to replace the things you had, but didn’t need in the first place. I’d like to start repurposing things, but before that I still have a lot to get rid of. But that’s a topic for another post. For this one, immaterial things (maybe).
Since I graduated, I’ve been gradually got into my grown up skin and wanted to learn how to do my make up. I’m actually glad I wasn’t into it while I was still in school, because it gave me a chance to be comfortable in my own skin, which I am, but I also like playing with make up. So I got the bare necessities (once I figured out where to start) with some help from my cousins and my friend. I don’t normally go out anyway, which means I only put it on occasions where I’d like to look like a young adult, thanks very much.
Another recent thing is tea. I’ve never liked it, but one of my favorite YouTubers, doddleoddle, is British and of course lives for tea, and I’ve been sort of jealous. Like why can’t I have the same appreciation for tea? This was also a mentality of mine when I was younger and watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. Uncle Iroh, the wisest of them all, lived and breathed tea. A while back, I did get into milk tea, my go-to was oolong milk tea, served with some ice, and with 70% sugar. I love milk tea. But since quitting my job, I can neither afford nor find milk tea. So I thought it might be time to finally open my taste buds up to something new.
Third thing is tofu. I cannot stand tofu. But we had some guests over a few weeks ago and got some take out. One of the dishes was sizzling tofu, which of course arrived here post-sizzle. I’d had it before and was genuinely surprised it was tofu because I could not detect the taste. It was both strange and great because I found a way to ingest tofu without being grossed out, even though I can’t have it too often, because I’ll get sick of it. Probably.
I remember growing up and wanting so badly to draw or paint. And sing, and figure skate, and dance ballet, and write poetry and songs. I don’t know why I didn’t develop those skills, (though figure skating and ballet are very expensive so we really couldn’t afford it) but I’ve also started practicing my sketches. I started doing it again maybe a year ago, but since I have so much free time, I’ve just been sitting down, with a sketchbook and a pencil, and drawing. I’m still pretty shit at it, but practice makes perfect! That is the secret to anything.
Now, before you say, “but those are material things! Make up, tea, and tofu?” Hear me out. It’s not about buying make up equipment (though I really do need more brushes and palettes, but I make do with what I have and it’s enough), nor buying all the tea (and the box I bought was pretty cheap, according to my mom who also likes tea), neither gorging tofu (just thinking about it makes me gag). It’s about having the room I need to grow and the space to get to know myself. I may not be employed right now, or have so much of a social life, but I’m becoming so comfortable in my own skin, and it’s the best feeling in the world. Considering where I was three months ago, I’m happy I stuck around. I can never describe how low I felt during those times, and no matter how much you try to imagine, I doubt it will be enough. But I am proud of myself, with what I’ve accomplished, no matter how little.
It won’t always be easy to appreciate the progress I’ve made, or even just the things I do have right now, but I’m glad I’ve written it down here. That way, I can mark it as a milestone, not just for myself but also for you, to let you know that dark spaces do not last. When you’re in that moment, when everything is just drowned in shadow, it feels infinite. But permit yourself to feel whatever needs to be felt, and then keep moving forward. Find the things that can help you keep the shadows at bay, or better yet, rediscover the things that are already around you. Sometimes we lose track of things even right under our noses. Happy Humpday.
PS: Reduce, reuse, recycle.