A “normal” facade.

Been having the weirdest sleeping pattern/dreams lately. Last night I had two recurring dreams, which at the time were familiar, but ended abruptly. I kept trying to remember how they ended because they were dreams that I actually liked, in fact, one was so familiar that I thought I wrote it. When my brain got too fast for my body, I woke up and saw it was minutes before 4 am. Wtf.


(http://samcaarter.tumblr.com/post/142012935809/endless-list-of-favourite-characters-in-no)

After having breakfast, I tried sitting by my lappy to see if I can write about it so early, but my fast brain got tired, and I had to take a nap before 7 am. I had another recurring dream, but I don’t remember it as distinctly. I woke up a bit stiff, having not moved since I passed out, and saw that it was a few minutes past 10 am. Somebody send help, I like sleeping in till 7 am, sweet and sound. I don’t need insomnia on top of anxiety and depression.

What should I take away from this? I am quite restless. Sylvester is busy with midterms, and can’t go out. I don’t have enough motivation, nor money, to go out by myself. I know myself, I will always be attracted to food. I’m not doing anything at home and I’m constantly hungry, what more with me walking and talking and sweating and commuting? I’ll try to work on le sleeping patterns, but in the meantime, that’s enough complaining.

For this post, I thought I’d discuss my miserable, friendless life. Don’t worry, it’s not as sad as it sounds, in fact for a great majority of my life, I’ve preferred being alone. This trait is supplemented by child me who abhorred kids’ parties, and other kids in general. Please know this is not an exaggeration. I looked at other kids and thought they were dumb. Ask any mental health professional, and they might diagnose me as a psychopath, or at least a sociopath. It’s not that bad, though, because I do like to socialize. I just didn’t agree with my child body. At least, that’s what I thought, and now that I’m an adult, it seems like I still don’t like people. But…I do, too.

Confused? Don’t worry, so am I. Growing up, I tried being normal, like befriending other kids and hanging out with them, but it always seemed forced somehow. I liked them well enough, and they seemed to like me well enough, but to this day, I don’t know how to keep friends. I doubt it’s the typical social anxiety (or it’s actual social anxiety and not society’s romanticized version of it) because I’m not shy. Speaking of which, that’s how my mom’s described me all my childhood and that just occurred to me. I was shy, and now I’m stressed according to my mother. Anyway, it’s not shyness. It’s more like, “why do I have to make conversation? How do I even do that? I don’t like small talk, and I doubt they do too. But what isn’t small talk, other than politics and religion? I don’t want them to think I’m a freak, but then again I don’t care what they think. But maybe I do because this inner monologue has been far too long for a person who isn’t a freak.”

And I know the automatic response to that is “don’t think about it too much!” To which I say, “if I don’t think about it, I don’t do it at all. And if I don’t do it at all, I will remain forever friendless.” Ples halp.

A habit, a bad one, I’ve struggled with all these years is my territorialism. It was so bad when I was a kid that I remember…basically threatening my cousin not to hang out with her neighbor. I grew up with her, but they’d moved away, and since she’s an only child, it’s only normal to make new friends. Hah, normal, which she is, but I am far from. I remember when I was 11, I’d fought with two of my friends then because I didn’t want one hanging out with the other too much. Control freak. When I was 12, I kicked my friend in the face because…I don’t even recall why anymore, I think in my head I was convinced she wasn’t trying as hard as I was to spend time with her. Of course, that’s my 20-year-old brain thinking, and my angry territorial self, which I have shoved in the dark closet of my mind, is disagreeing.   I regretted my actions almost immediately anyway, but proud Taurus that I am, I didn’t have the face to face her. Just so you know, we made up a few, maybe, months later.I think that’s as far as my scary-ass self got, because that friend moved away after that school year and I miss her dearly. I’m insanely happy for her, though, cos she’s in college now, probably having the time of her life not being kicked in the face by crazy people.

Among the few friends I’ve made and kept all these years, the one I find I talk to every day is “Sylvester”. And I am ever thankful for his presence especially for the last few months of shit. As much as he has annoying and infuriating habits, I love him. He’s more mature than he realizes, but still not nearly that mature. At least not as mature as me. But since he’s such a big help, and just big in my life in general, I try to help him as much as I can with my creepy/freaky self. He is the yin to my yang.

I also have a doppelganger, although I’m not sure we look too similar anymore. I don’t think I’ve given her an alias yet, so she will be henceforth known as Hedwig. She’s pursuing her interest for fashion right as we speak (…as I type?) and I could not be prouder. I can’t wait to be famous so that I can one day show off her clothes. She’s the most independent, most capable person I know, and I strive to be as functional as her. She will do great things.

And not at all last or least, I feel I should mention my cousin after outing myself. Again, I don’t think I’ve given her an alias yet, but I’m sure I’ve mentioned her before. *Checks previous post* Ohh, I did! I named her Dianna. I doubt she’ll be reading this, too, because (1) she doesn’t know about it, and (2) she’s in law school and far too busy. I don’t really understand how we can still be friends after all these years, but she’s never existed in a world without me having been born 11 days after I was. We’ve been inseparable ever since. I like to think we’ll be 89 and still watching the Narnia movies, laughing our butts off at the Prince Caspian installment because we just loved their accents so much.

I don’t struggle with that territorialism as much now, but it’s definitely ever-present. I just wave it back to the dark closet, because if I’m good at anything, it would be pretending to be good at things. It may or may not help to know that they have their own normal lives because I am both happy for and jealous of them. Again, ples halp. And Happy Friday.


For those who may not know, the gif is of Leeloo from The Fifth Element. It’s one of my favorite movies. Go watch it!

I update every Monday-Wednesday-Friday-(and sometimes)Sunday night! I’m always present on social media, @thcynicalnerd on Instagram and Tumblr, @nerdTHEcynical on Twitter and Snapchat 🙂

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