I’m alive! (I think…)

It’s almost that time of the month. The bleeds are coming. My senses are hyper aware, especially of the annoying, infuriating, frustrating, ridiculous, and atrocious things. And when I deigned to shower just to shake off the shitty feelings and the unacceptable heat (#globalwarmingisahoax / #climatechangeisntreal), my brain did its thing and made me think about all the crappy qualities of the world. I can hardly blame it for doing so, because thinking is literally its job, and the world is filled to the brim with crappy shit. So to keep it at bay, I thought I might write about all the things I can’t stand. But what’s new?

(from http://aerials-.tumblr.com/post/151898068943 // credits to the creator)

I haven’t posted all week, I know. But I have an excuse! I’m taking an online course because patience is a virtue, time is gold, or whatever. I’ve been keeping up with it so far, so I’ve just neglected the blog. It was nice and productive, but hot like hell. I have all the feels today, though, so I should definitely overshare and shout into the void. That’s what it’s for, right?

This afternoon, as I grasped the remaining non-oven-ness of my bedroom, I trod the toxic waters of Facebook. I then saw: this room full of white men discussing women’s health like it’s the 1700s or something, the stupid thing that ignorant moronic guys do when one of their friends adds a girl on Facebook and does their idiotic disrespectful comments, a post about a girl being molested on the bus and then being called out by the conductor for making a scene like she’s the asshole in the situation, and etc. etc. etc.

As much as I want to just focus on the good things, I also don’t want to be ignorant. I don’t want to not feel angry or disbelief about these real and daunting issues. I need to feel that rage because if I don’t, I’ll just be a robot that works for the money and lives for the work.

“That’s life.”

“That’s the way it is.”

“You can’t do anything about it.”

“Just ignore them.”

“Don’t stress yourself out.”

“You’re only making it bad for yourself.”

If that’s the case, then what the hell are humans still doing here? Let there just be a nuclear war, because cruel, inconsiderate morons are going to end up doing that anyway. We might as well not leave our houses, either, not bother going to work, or eating. Because at the end of the day, we’re all going to die. So why bother trying, right?

You underestimate just how much these things circulate in my brain, so trust me. It’s not just stress. It’s not just me being an angsty adult. It’s a chemical imbalance that ends with me just sullen and silent. So much so that when you ask me what’s wrong, I won’t have anything to say, because I know it’s my fault, that I should make an effort, that people around me don’t like being so because I’m not sociable, and that I don’t seem to care about anyone but myself. Trust me, all of the above and more, have swirled around my head so much these 20 years that you don’t need to know, and you really wouldn’t know. I can try to share (heck I have, please note the 30-something blog posts and other Facebook posts), but you wouldn’t understand. Alas, the struggles of depression are incomprehensible to those who don’t have it. So I’m sorry if I see and look at/into things too much. Mostly it’s because if I didn’t make an effort, I would just be numb and frozen.

I’m keeping the shadows at bay, because that’s all I can do. It’s a bit harder to focus today. I haven’t read any of my books which is something I’m actually afraid of. It’s what happened in the second half of last year, and a big sign that I’m getting in my funk. It’s like I can see the words written on the page, and I can read them, but I’m not in the moment. That’s as much as I can describe it. I just shrugged it off, but in the back of my mind, I know what it means. I tried to distract myself with vlogs (like I did in some previous posts) but it didn’t seem to work this time. Even writing about it and acknowledging it is painful, because it’s like letting it know that I know it’s there, and it’s just gonna overwhelm me. I don’t want to be afraid of it, though, because it just gives it power over me. It’s not a monster, it’s just a friend. I should put that on a shirt.*

This is just my way of dealing with it, and if it’s too much for you, feel free to turn your heads away. That’s what too many people in this world already do, so it’s fine. Happy Friday.


Some relevant links that might help, or otherwise trigger, some of you:

Why People Are Usually Surprised When I Say I Have Depression
How Depression Affected My Outgoing Personality
How Depression Makes Me Unravel Like a Ball of Wool
How to Help a Loved One With Depression

I update every Monday-Wednesday-Friday-(and sometimes)Sunday night! I’m always present on social media, @thcynicalnerd on Instagram and Tumblr, @nerdTHEcynical on Twitter and Snapchat 🙂

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