AHHHHH. I told you I suck at making habits. The only constant habit I have is breaking habits, and for some reason, I’m not completely sad about it. Because I haven’t had an episode in at least two weeks. I could look at the glass half empty, but it’s just nicer to look at it half full. A downside is being completely unproductive. Also, wanting to play Sims every five minutes. Even whilst playing Sims. Help.

rain(photo is mine, and though it isn’t anything great, it’s still mine)

On the other hand, I cut my bangs last week after losing patience with my hair incessantly falling on my face while reading The Princess Diarist. That was a liberating moment. It made me want to cut the rest of my hair off. But as a person attempting to seem like a functioning adult, I really shouldn’t so I didn’t. I don’t know how people have achieved this for thousands of years. But then again, they didn’t have Sims and the Internet.

On another hand, which is weird because humans only have two, I feel most like myself recently since two years ago. I would elaborate, but it’s just stressful college stuff that I don’t feel like going into and ruining my day with. The dictionary has a word for it, “regression”. On one hand, it’s negative because change should mostly be progressive. On the other hand, it’s positive because those were the days when I was quite happy with not doing anything productive and not feeling guilty about it. Somehow, that still sounds negative. Probably due to the fact that two years ago, I wasn’t turning 21 and unemployed.

There is something that hasn’t changed within that time frame, and that’s my non-ambition. I’ve always been perfectly content with being neutral. I don’t need to achieve super things, instead I prefer to know a little about a lot of things. That is also both/neither positive/negative. Let’s not get into it.

Regardless, I find myself hoping that today, or tomorrow, might be the day when I finally want so, very badly to be productive, and succeed. That’s why every day, though I might have something I want to post and write about, in my head, it’s always “you’ll do that tomorrow.” And I just want to murder the fuck out of that idea. Why can’t I just do things at the moment?

Then again, I have this thing where I can’t focus on just one thing. That’s why this afternoon (I spent the morning Simming, remember? But as usual, my laptop was working overtime and I had to restart it. So I ate lunch and watched HIMYM), as I watched HIMYM, the productive bug in my brain was pushing me (has been pushing me for the five days) to write a post while watching. (Oh, I forgot to mention, that in between loading screens for Sims, I would play another game on my phone or browse Facebook or Instagram.)

If I was a person that blamed others for my misfortune and misery, I would blame this lack of focus for not having enough motivation to pursue one thing, but I like to own up to my faults and flaws, so I remind myself that I’m the one that chooses to focus on one thing, or twenty. A person that’s in the habit of looking at the glass half full would say it’s just a skill in multitasking, which it probably is. But I’m a person that doesn’t say the glass is half full or empty, I’m a person that asks if there used to be more water but somehow got depleted, in which case it’s half empty; otherwise, if there’s now more water than there was, it’s half full.

My brain, which again can’t focus for more than ten seconds, can’t remember, but I’m sure there is a word for that whole example. That being said, it’s also why I don’t have the patience for math. I can do most basic stuff, but if I don’t have to, I really won’t. You can’t make me.

There’s a phrase I like to say, especially to Sylvester, “all or nothing.” And my parents also taught me that if I do something, I ought to do it well. There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes, but you might as well make use of that one chance to do it right. That’s another thing that is both/neither positive/negative. It’s one of the things that drive me to do something, help me make decisions, and encourage me to leave the world a better place than it was. That, or become an evil mastermind that I know I’m smart enough to accomplish, so do no push me, people.

If only everyone else had the same convictions in their actions. But then again, they might not have seen Interview with the Vampire during an impressionable moment in their lives, like I did, and that phrase just stuck. Not that I like Louis all that much. Or Brad Pitt. Or Tom Cruise, for that matter, but I really like his Lestat. OR Kirsten Dunst, but her Claudia was very impressive for an actress her age then. Now I wanna watch Interview with the Vampire. So much for being productive.

That’s another thing (two things?) that haven’t changed. My love and appreciation for good movies. Or great stories, for that matter. And that also stuck. Maybe one of these days, I’ll actually do something about it. I would do it now, but it’s 5:24 PM and hot as balls. I need a shower. But I’ll do that later, too. It’s Sims time! Again.

PS: the photo was of last Sunday, when it drizzled for an hour or two, and rained for ten minutes. Then it was hot and miserable again.

1. settled or confirmed in a habit, practice, feeling, or the like: an inveterate gambler.
2. firmly established by long continuance, as a disease, habit, practice, feeling, etc.; chronic.

I update every Monday-Wednesday-Friday-(and sometimes)Sunday night! I’m always present on social media, @thcynicalnerd on Instagram and Tumblr, @nerdTHEcynical on Twitter and Snapchat 🙂


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