A breath of relief.

I have about 20 minutes left till I have to post this, so trust me when I say it’s gonna be a shitpost.

Peanuts, October 31, 1952(from http://randar.com/post/159239711052/sigh-peanuts-october-31-1952 // credits to the creator)

If I ever say, or said, that I’m a person that has little opportunity to do anything, please feel free to slap me across the face. Because as low-middle class my family is, I am still considerably privileged and I can never deny that. Still, there are some days that I forget to be thankful for it, or don’t really know what to do with it, so I’m writing it here just as a reminder.

Last week was the busiest one I’ve had all year, and while it was nice, I’m ready to go back to writing more regularly and working on my art and studying my online course. And while there are things the size of a basketball that I would like to word-vomit out to this post, I know I shouldn’t. So I will be a responsible blogger and not proclaim all of it to the world. Instead, I will give a rough overview about my thoughts and feelings since I last posted. That is, after all, the point to all this depressing stuff.

I’ve been having funky dreams again for the past two nights, but still not as weird as the last time I had weird dreams. It might be heading down that road though, so it’s probably time to work on my habits again.

I’m not sure if there’s a particular study about how habits actually help shape your days, but I like having a system, more particularly, a self-imposed one. I like having the liberty to say what I mean and mean what I say, learn about things I don’t know, develop skills I know I can be good at if I tried, and maintain my mental and physical health all at the same time. All of those things are important for the latter, because I can’t afford to go to the doctor and get a prescription for pills I also can’t afford. I need to surround myself with things I know I can sustain and find a way to make it an income out of it.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it at least once, but I don’t really have a great ambition in mind. Well, I do, but like most dreams, it’s just a dream (insert Shia LaBeouf meme here). As much as I want to pursue said dream, it would take a whole lot of effort, and money I don’t have. So until such time I acquire enough money to pay off our debts, maybe get our house fixed, the whole family medically checked out, I really don’t have time to work on that dream. For now, I have my laptop and an internet connection. I’ll make do.

I’d be perfectly happy making coffee for people on a day to day basis if it meant making enough money to help around the house, or at least myself. Preferably, I could make use of the skills I do have and maybe proofread or edit written works. Hey, if I could earn money off of writing short stories, I would love that. Those would all be sustainable occupations if only it was probable in the Philippines.

Hell, it probably is, but not in the neighborhood I’m in. Which just means I need to up my shit, maybe inject energy drinks into my bloodstream, and just work in the metropolitan areas. Don’t worry, job-hunting is still on, and will be resumed within this week.

That’s not to say that I haven’t had close calls where I could have gotten the job. I’m actually in one right now. But as a millennial who’s learned that there’s a time and place for everything, and who also has the privilege of choosing, I don’t want to get into something I don’t agree with, and I don’t want to start something I can’t finish.

So even though it feels a bit hopeless, shameful, and burdensome, I will wait for that one thing I seriously can’t resist. Because even though there is that one dream that’s improbable as fuck, there are still other dreams that are more achievable, and I will be reaching for them, thanks very much. I will be making use of the privilege I have, and hopefully have so much in the future that I will have no other choice but to give it away. Goodness knows there’s plenty of people in bad need of it.

I finished writing just in time. Happy Monday.

I update every Monday-Wednesday-Friday-(and sometimes)Sunday night! I’m always present on social media, @thcynicalnerd on Instagram and Tumblr, @nerdTHEcynical on Twitter and Snapchat 🙂


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