Inward.

I’m trying to distract myself from the emotional trauma that ACOWAR has brought upon me, and also trying to move on from the fact that I have to wait till 2018 for the next book. So this post was brought to you by Sarah J. Maas latest masterpiece. Don’t worry, I won’t be mentioning any spoilers. This is more a reflection on a snippet of the book. And that’s about as far as I’m going to mention the book at all.

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.” – Carl Jung Look inward and decide who it is you truly are and want to be!(from http://law-of-attraction-central.tumblr.com/post/159126177638/your-vision-will-become-clear-only-when-you-look // credits to the creator // I also can’t be bothered to confirm if Carl Jung actually said that)

It got me thinking about the whole “I don’t know myself” cliché. If it’s even a cliché. I didn’t know what it meant when I was a kid, like how could a person not know who they are? You literally are the only person to grow old with yourself, and spend all that time in your head, thinking your thoughts, feeling your emotions, your pain, your joys… isn’t it strange that you wouldn’t know yourself, even well into adulthood?

Before everything, mostly college, I had a vague idea of where I wanted to go and what I wanted to be. Vague was nice, because if I went too much into the specifics of it, and end up not achieving a damn thing, like I didn’t, I would get too disappointed. It’s pretty much the same idea I have with everything, going too much into detail just triggers me into a funk, so I don’t do it very often. But college ended up being a whole thing I didn’t expect at all. It was a pretty cool adventure. I became a person I never expected to be. And with that, I think I just stopped planning anything out. I still have an idea, definitely a much vaguer one than before, about where I want to go and what I want to be, but if I don’t keep an eye on one specific light at the end of the tunnel, how do I keep going?

However, isn’t that a more outward view? Where I want to go and what I want to be is about putting myself someplace else and, even, being something else. And that’s what a great majority of us do. Even as a kid, people as us “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, not much about who you are and how you feel and what you’re thinking at that time and place and moment. It’s never an inward outlook, it’s almost always outward.

Presently, awareness for mental health and illness is booming, which is great. But it is sad to think that we’ve had all the time and means to evolve, and we’ve still got so much to go. What I’ve learned, since the months after being an official adult, and spiraling deeper into my depression, is that there’s very little time for anyone to figure themselves out, because of society’s expectations for a person to fit in. I’m not just talking about beauty standards or gender roles, but also about when you’re a kid, you’re supposed to befriend other kids, do well in school, play sports, learn an instrument, and train to dance or play sports. Then in your teenage years, apart from the mess that puberty is, you’re expected to prepare for college, so that you can prepare for your future. All the decisions, about which college you’ll be going, what major you’ll be taking, where in the world you want to make a living, and also dating, and excelling in school, experiencing your youth. Then it’s ALL the stress of college and, at least, passing all your subjects, attending lectures, seminars, and internships, getting a job so that you can start saving up money, amongst ALL the other things. Then you graduate college, you need to apply for jobs, decide if you’ll be moving back home or getting an apartment, then deciding where you want to get an apartment, then paying bills, making more friends, maintaining old friends, and EVERY OTHER THING.

It’s all about an outward movement, not just about stepping out of your comfort zone, but also about growing out of it. So much so that should you spare a moment to look back, you can hardly recognize yourself, and maybe even forget the person you wanted to be when you were younger. If you’re like me, and didn’t have much of an image of yourself in the future at all, then you might not have too many regrets. But then you start thinking about whether or not the person you are is a person you would have wanted to be at all, and, like me, end up spiraling into a depression, you might just want to have more than just a vague idea.

I’ve had a considerable amount of time to look inward, instead of outward, and I am already luckier and more privileged than most for having the opportunity. It helped me get through a pretty tough time that I didn’t think I would go through after the already tough time I had in college. Having recovered from that, I know I still have plenty of steps to go, outward this time, because I’ve already taking too long. But having all this time to look inward, to know myself as I am now, and even remember who I was some four years ago, I know that when the time comes, I’ll be ready to grow further outward.

And isn’t that all life is about? Timing.

One day, I’ll get a job I’ll be perfectly happy with. One day, I’ll be able to save up enough money to buy my parents a house. One day, I’ll meet a person I’d want to spend the rest of my life with and hopefully do so. But before all of that, and in between them, I want to look inward every now and then, to remember the person I was, the person I wanted to be, and the person I want to remain. One step at a time.

May the Fourth be with you.


PS: Another unscheduled Thursday post lol, but I spent a majority of yesterday reading ACOWAR, and today’s May the Fourth, so it’s a perfect excuse. It might also be the excuse if I end up not posting tomorrow 😛

PPS: ACOWAR is, as expected, awesome, and I can’t wait for the next installment T_T Praise Sarah J. Maas, and honorable mentions Charlie Bowater and Coralie Jubenot for their lovely artwork!

I update every Monday-Wednesday-Friday-(and sometimes)Sunday night! I’m always present on social media, @thcynicalnerd on Instagram and Tumblr, @nerdTHEcynical on Twitter and Snapchat 🙂

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