Push and pull.

I really shouldn’t have started playing SimCity again, it just murdered what was left of my productivity.

sink(from http://rems-artblog.tumblr.com/post/161226356668/sink // credits to the creator // they’re accepting commissions, so feel free to contact them via Cjjewelr12@gmail.com)

So the last couple of weeks has been filled with absence (that’s an oxymoron for you). I had written something for last Friday explaining why, but I wrote it on a pad, and my laziness has just overcome me once again. I did warn you that I’ve never been consistent with habits. Long story short, prior to my last two posts, I’ve been going on a downhill slope and there was no stopping it. I tried distracting myself with errands, job applications, and interviews for those applications, even stupid dating apps that I can’t use for longer than a week because I get irritated at constant messages, especially when don’t amount to anything other than “hey”.

Needless to say, those didn’t work and I was depressed anyway. The only thing that worked was me embracing the shadows and telling myself that it’s okay that I’m a barely functional adult. It might seem the simplest of solutions for normal, functioning folk, but for someone who is constantly on the brink of falling down the precipice and just trying not to look it in the eye for fear of it seeing me back, I don’t immediately resort to acceptance simply because I don’t want it. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It’s entirely crippling especially when you know it’s all in your head. It’s just a really funky head.

All the while, Manchester, Syria, and Bangkok were bombed, terrorism broke out in Marawi, and my brain was too busy imploding to even write anything about them. That might be irrelevant for some, but writing is literally my only skill, and the only way I can contribute to society. I’m slowly but surely developing my other skills, but it’s just another thing that cripples my brain. Being lazy and inconsistent with habits does not fucking help.

Not to mention that in the back of my mind, I already feel ridiculous and pointless for writing all this and just shouting at the void, doubting that this fixes anything at all and I’m just drowning in my uselessness. It’s a non-stop push and pull in my brain, trying to convince myself that just because I think it doesn’t mean it’s true, that surely 99% of the world’s population feels exactly like this, only they’re a functioning member of society, that just because it doesn’t work plenty of times it won’t ever work at all, that every step has meaning–has progress–has an effect, and that I shouldn’t give up. Giving up is for wussies. I’m not a wussy.

Just before the week ends, now that I’ll be pushing and pulling myself back to the surface. More baby steps.

Happy Humpday.


I update every Monday-Wednesday-Friday-(and sometimes)Sunday night! I’m always present on social media, @thcynicalnerd on Instagram and Tumblr, @nerdTHEcynical on Twitter and Snapchat 🙂

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